What’s up, Earth?

In a far away planet called XS345, a group of young students gathered to learn about life on another planet called Earth. Their ancestors had analyzed the earthlings using the CR- 11 technology , and had documented the characteristics of their sample set in ASTRA- a book on ‘life elsewhere.’

Turn to the chapter on humans and Whatsup groups“, the wizened teacher instructed her class.

This is an interesting episode in the life of earthlings- an important indicator of their personalities“, she continued.

XSTUD 1, read it out loud to the class, now“, she pointed to the student with the loudest voice.

 

XSTUD 1 began reading:

“Whatsup was an invention that was originally invented to help friends and relatives with smart phones be in touch, free of cost. It was one of the first of its kind, and became an instant hit among people of all genders and age groups.

Early conversations on Whatsup were fairly straight-forward, and were mostly to the point. For example:

Between mom and son:

Mom: You had breakfast? J

Son: Ye

Between 2 friends:

Friend 1: Movie tonight?

Friend 2: Sure!

Between lovers:

Girl: Love you loads! Muahhh! :-* :-*

Boy: Me too! J

This invention would have remained the best invention ever on the planet, but, something happened!

A feature called “Groups” was introduced.

Men and women who were new to the concept were overwhelmed by the update and started making groups with the same enthusiasm they might have, while making babies!!! And so, groups such as the following came into existence:

FAMILY group

 

Mom added her son, brother, mother, father and cousin to the group called ‘Family’ and texted:

Mom: Son, you had breakfast?

Mom’s mom: Hello all! Good morning! Had idly and filter coffee for breakfast

Mom’s father: Good article on the hindu- read it

Mom’s father then adds his brother to the Family group, and the mom’s father’s brother adds his wife and his son, and….. Mom’s father’s brother’s wife’s cousin’s daughter can no longer be added to the FAMILY group which has reached its maximum strength of 50 members!*

[*NOTE: Whatsup groups had the feature of enrolling up to a maximum of 50 members]

FRIENDS group:

Friend 1 adds Friend 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

F 6 adds 7, 8, 9

F 7 adds 10, 11, 12 and so on… The group has 30 members now.

F 1 : Hi guys! How are you??!

F2,3,4,9,15,29: Hi F1, soooper, we are!

F 5: Hey F4, where are you these days ?

F7: Hey F2, loooong time!

F 8: * A long, boring forward*

 

And so, several parallel conversations happen all throughout the day between certain members of the group.

F27 wants to leave the group, but, refrains from doing so on grounds of ‘being nice’ (God knows what being nice is!)

F 30, who has no interest in these conversations, leaves the group.

Noticing that a member has left, the remaining members understand that they are probably spamming, and remain quiet for a couple of days…..

And then,

F2: Helllooo guys! Why is the group so silent? <Posts a pic of his kitten>

F3: Hi all ! It’s sooo sunny here at Gurgaon! <Posts a pic of Sunny Leone!>

And the chapter continues…….

 

XYD college MBA admits:

There are international students- from all over the globe, but a majority of them are from a place called India.

Indian 1: <In local language> What a great weather in Bangalore! Awesome guys! You have to come here

Indian 2,3,4: Respond to the statement in the local language

Chinese 1: What’s happening guys? I don’t understand the language

Indian 1<who started the conversation in his local language> : Guys, we should stick to English. We must keep in mind that there are international students! Sorry Chinese 1!

 

Silent Indian 7 (who merely reads messages, but does not respond) thinks to himself: * The man who starts typing in the local language advises the group on etiquettes #HeadHitting*

 

A few minutes later:

Indian 4: Why so silent? Guys, can someone tell me which laptop to buy?

<All Indian members come forward with their opinions>

I 9: IMO, Dell is the best because blah blah

I 5: Microsoft because blah blah

I 25: Lenovo because blah blah

And so, 655 messages fly around in the group with no consensus.

I 11 wakes up in the morning to find the battery drained from her phone. Hadn’t she charged it fully, yesterday?

 

On another day:

I 3: Guys! VISA approved

*Many active members type: Congrats, and the conversation steers towards celebrating with beers*

Yet another day:

I 36: Guys, my cousin has offers from C and G universities. What should he pick? (Wow! That’s a great conversation for an MBA admits group! Good socializing! :-p)

I 6: Go for C school. G school has drugs and rich kids!

I 9: Go for G- it’s okay.

(Conversation continues… Meanwhile, I 11 who attended G school hits her head on the advice of those who didn’t attend her school #FacePalm. She decides not to embarrass all those “advice babas” who had loads to comment on her school by pointing out their errors in their understanding…)

—-***—-

XSTUD1 finishes reading the conversations with a sigh. He is tired after employing several voice modulations. The teacher then asks her class to speak out their inferences:

XSTUP 200: I think groups were a waste of human energy and smart phone battery

XCIP4: Indians are a strange lot. They seem to have an opinion on everything! How can that be?

“That’s a perspective, CIP. Indians were known for their intelligence once upon a time on Earth. Over years, the intelligence waned off on some species, and mutated into advice. However, let me remind you- our ancestors collected evidence from a small subset of people. So, generalizations don’t hold good!”, the teacher added…

XKOP35: I’m glad we don’t have an invention like Whatsup, though!

*The entire class nods in agreement*

The class is interrupted by a buzzer message:

The principal announces “Due to a sparky weather outside, we request all students to disperse now!”

The students run out in joy, suspending the discussion on Whatsup for another day…

 

P.S:

Images sourced from google.

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